Sunday, December 02, 2007
its my first time to go there and i loved. Shanghai is actually the New York City of China. everywhere you look there are buildings and even the old china is full of buildings that were built by the French and Americans thats why they all look like New York banks.
you just know that you are not home when you wear the clothes you dont usually wear at home.
you just know that you are not home when you can't understand a single thing that people around you are talking about and they can't understand you back
you just know that you are not home when you can buy anything you like (not the case with me hahaha) i get away with it.
you just know that you are not home when the money you have in your pocket is not enough and you have to visit the money changer to get more yuan
you just know you are not home when you get to sleep really early at night because you are so tired of the day of city tours and shopping.
you just know you are not home when you eat so much food and get away with it. (authentic chinese food baby)
you just know you are not home when you get to wake up early and be very excited of all you can eat buffet breakfast in the coffeeshop of the hotel.
you just know you are not home when you have to pack your stuff at night so you'd know if you can still have last minute shopping in the morning before the bus arrives.
you just know you are not home when you get into a plane and eat not so good plane food and watch movies inside for three hours straight.
you just know you are not home when you get inside the airport.
you just know you are not home
you just know
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
so for the first thirty minutes i would be concentrating with yoga. and after i would be playing the music really loud and dance my heart out till i get really tired then i will rest for few minutes then take a bath. this is so pretentious of me. but i actually just started this last monday.
doing everything that i do... i fell really relieved. i dont know if it is just me of it has been working already. but hey thats just me.
im quite tired of what has been happening. for months now, i stay at home and do nothing. i go out with my friends and just waste money. i kinda miss my job coz i get money from it. but i dont want to work. i have money now coz my dad gives me money but everytime he reaches for my hand, i would feel like a total brat. and i may be good at it.
so recently my whole family went to HongKong. The last time i was there i was really young and of course i was also with my family. its really nice to spend time with them coz you dont have to worry about anything. especially going over the budget. you have a credit card to use and they will give you permission. so shopping is so much fun. now that we are getting older, its much more exciting to travel. you get to remember everything coz you have tons of cameras to remind you of it and also you are old enough to understand everything. also they allow you to roam around by yourselves.
supposedly the whole family is set to travel to beijing. with my cousins fifi and chrissie plus our grandmother. unfortch, the chinese visa was late to be given out. my dad thought it would be a shame if we missed a long vacation without doing anything. so we did.
i want to travel. i want to see the world. i want to own my own company. i want to party. i want to relax. i want to be a chef.. i want to be a photohrapher. i want to be a professional make-up artist. i want everything. i want you!
it was postponed and postponed again. until nov 24, 2007. the trip with my mum and i. jsut the two of us. it really sucks coz the more the merrier. but everybody is busy already. not me and my mum.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
just the other day i was eating lunch with my dad and my mum. we got to talk about this cousin of mine, who is in a top position in HSBC. good pay, good everything. she has it all. of course my dad doesn't expect me to be just like her coz he
so we were talking about new cameras inside the house..
and this is my new digital camera...
my mum asked me if i am going to take photography classes and i got to think about it. my dad told me to take it so i have proper knowledge and then take whatever course i like. coz as long as he cans till pay he is encouraging me to do it.
but studying again? i had to drop my second degree just to be done with that and now that i'm finally free from school, i'll be coming back. thats insane. just like the rain outside. fuck! i hope the flood at home wont be too bad. i'm here at my friends house hanging around coz i'm so bored at home.
i got to think. my plan of studying abroad. to get away and learn independence. or kahit work na lang muna whatever. but the thought of working makes my heart sick. i have studied entrepreneurship for three years in one of the finest schools in the country and i'm just going to be an employee of a company. i really don't mesh well with higher power. but if the pay is really good and its not that stressful i'll be thinking about it.
so that same day when my dad told me to take any course i like, i went online and applied for a short course in culinary. to those i know who heard me tell them that cooking is not really taught but it is practiced... i can't practice at home. well now i am eating my words... i need training and with proper teaching, i can be more of an expert. i can be called a chef?
it has always been my passion to satisfy people. even if i'm such snob. i still like the recognition that i have made someone smile. and with my cooking or anything i concoct inside the kitchen with basically everything inside it, my friends and relatives would surely love.
so i started thinking of possible options i have. and with the people i know and the resources i have i just hope that this would all happen the way i pictured it. it doesn't have to be as smooth but i hope dreams do come true
Saturday, July 28, 2007
today is officially the first day of a new year for me.
im officially 21 today and i don't feel a year older.
im out of job and im going to find something new for me. i love it. i dont know why. im back to being a bum but i don't feel like its a bad thing. it is actually good.
what can i really do when im legal in all countries? this is gonna be fun... i hope i find everything i need to my satisfaction!
Monday, April 16, 2007
i went to malysia.
the place was pretty awesome. i can't believe this is the only time i've been there. i love the food. the shopping and sale and everything. i miss it already. the only thing i dont miss is the smell of the people.
its because of the food. i was eating the same thing but i didnt smell. they just got used to it and wasnt aware it was smelling real bad. someone should tell them though.
i'll come back malaysia.. with more money
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
working during the day is normal. but the early dayshift is a bit different. even if you don't see it. you feel the sun above you and you can't think much because you feel its too early for information to stay inside your head.
its super frustrating that even if you really understand what the trainor is saying you can't seem to grasp what it is all about.
its all a big lump in my throat. i can't seem to swallow and digest everything. i need some kind of drink to push it down my body.
Monday, March 26, 2007
2 hours before i have to get up and take a shower.
3 hours before i have to leave for work.
4 hours before my early shift starts.
most of the time i get really excited, i would kid myself that i need to sleep early so i wouldn't be late for an engagement or plans i have. i end up thinking about it so much that i wouldn't be able to sleep and i would just stay up all night till i need to do that thing i was thinking about.
right now, its already 1am and i have to be up by 3 to prepare myself and food im gonna eat for work. and because im scared that i wont wake up, i just decide to myself i would not sleep. i actually can do a week without sleep. i just hope i can do it today. im posting this blog just to burn some hours off my surfing the net. coz if i finish doing the usual things, i would really get bored and i would definitely feel tired and would just sleep. i can't predict if the alarm clock of my phone would wake my exhaustion or i would need a hard tug and push to wake me up.
i can really do a week without sleep but if do sleep. i sleep like a baby. everyone can attest to this. i talk when i sleep. i dont feel a thing when im in deep sleep. sometimes though when i set my mind to waking up at a certain time, i would not need an alarm clock to wake me up. my body would just know the time. but sometimes because of a really good sleep, i would not hear the alarm clock even if it sounds for a whole 30 minutes. my ears wont just listen to any sound because my mind thinks i need more sleep.
being part of a family that likes to sleep, i would not be surprised. we all would just rest our heads on apillow and the body would do the trick. it is nap time. but there are times when even hours of lying bed wouldn't do. couting sheeps, drinking hot cocoa or milk, reading a boring book (which by the way i dont own a single boring book), watching tv, or listening to mellow music. all these just doesn't work for me.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
can you imagine life without ears? i can...
life would be very peaceful and less complicated. because you don't have ears to hear things and it would be a little cheaper for your expenses because you don't have to buy cotton buds because you dont have ears to clean.if you are fighting with someone, you won't be able to hear what he or she is saying.
you don't need to think about other people's businesses because you dont hear what they're saying. you won't hear any intrigues, gossips and rumors starting and be part of the problem because you dont have ears. sounds that make you sad would not be there because for you, there is really no sound at all.
hearing a lot is a big problem. sometimes you can't keep everything to yourself and things keep getting bigger and bigger that you can't handle it all with both hands. you just drop everything and breakdown. these are things you can't control. these are what they call the problems you can't run from.
facing it? it would be hard but it would be worth it if you do. you can't run to alcohol, drugs and sex just to forget. you have to face your fears and live your life.
alcohol would let you forget for a night.
drugs would give you more problems.
sex would give you pleasure and pain. but without much protection, you might get a lifetime problem after it.
without hearing, people will have to "listen" (look at other people signing) to other people intently. everyone would understand each other and everyone would live happily ever after. but not really. but you can see the difference when you look at a group full of people who can talk or chat with each other and a group of deaf-mutes.
its a life that we would never know.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Sunday, March 18, 2007
i almost did. my mum got home and told me i can go, they're gonna drop me off and pick me up afterwards @ embassy.
it was a typical Lasalle party. IT SUCKED!
i was there, watched friends do a fashion show, listened to lame hosts talk about school and drink a lame vodka-sprite. for P200, it was all not worth it. i was with my friends, yes. i watched some guys strut their stuff, yes. I get to hang out one last time before i go to work, yes. i felt really happy about it, yes.
i didnt have money. i didnt have my own ride. i didnt have a date. WAH!!!
my friends couldn't get in because the bar was already full. i had to leave with them. we left fort and went to greenbelt where i thought i could have a nice long chat with friends and just chill. because i don't have money. we can't go inside absinth. we tried waiting for seats in crocs but there were to many people. until we found coupons from redbox that entitles us for a room and food. it was all so good until my family called me up and told me they were on their way to pick me up.
i wanted to go too. but i haven't even sang a song or even talked to my friends. i didn't even see anyone worth pursuing. ;) it was christmas chrissie kringle all over again.. i left my friends with kisses and a bill of my drink.
i got in the car and they were all quiet. my dad smelled the perfume i sprayed all over my body so he wouldn't smell the smoke and the alcohol i consumed tonight. i didnt like the smell of this perfume as well but it really hides any of my bad habits.
my dad opened all the windows until we got to our house. he was so pissed at me he called me a whore. he used the word puta which in Spanish means whore. i wasn't shocked. i had too much makeup, my top was off my shoulder already and when i got in the car my perfume was really awful and strong.
I wasn't really feeling any tear from my eyes. i was waiting for it. everytime i get to dissappoint my dad, i wold really feel sadness that i have made him angry or frustrated. but that was a long time ago. as i gotten older, i feel he is being a pain in the ass. he is treating me like a child that i feel choked aready from everything.
i felt anger and the heat inside my body is really rising. i was thinking of his fucking mistakes. did i ever do the right thing of not telling. i still feel i should but i couldn't. if only i was a bad daughter, i would've done it a million years ago. but i wasn't.
i may be a whore but i don't do anything to hurt other people. i am a good person. not like you!
Friday, March 16, 2007
they were really good. they made me stay almost the whole day in their office and when the day ended, they offered me a job already. they gave me a day to think about it because i was still hesitant. the company doesn't want me to apply to other companies thats why. they are assured with this process that they wouldn't be compared to any other company, especially their rivals.
i signed with with them the following day. they fooled me. now that i have work, im thinking of ways i would be able to go there and go back home. bringing my own car would be very expensive. taking a cab would be too. commute is the only way.
welcome to the real world baby!
Thursday, March 08, 2007
people are trying to push me but im not saying anything. i just dont want to make a big deal out of it. but trying to ignore everything is quite getting in me. everything keeps piling up on me that i can't balance myself already. i've been crying everynight. literally. i can't stop tearing up like what i am doing now.
i want a way to get this all out. at first i started writing. i picked up a pen and my journal but i can't seem to write the feeling away. i went out with my friends so i can drink the pain away but the hangover made me more fucked up. i tried everything i can till.............
my brother came to me asking for help with his project. i didnt like art. because im not good in drawing or even coloring for that matter. i remember when i was a kid, i would one of those coloring books but end up messing them up because im not really into it. i was just doing what other kids are doing those times.
back to my brother, he has all kinds of art materials. i got the oil pastel a clear paper and started drawing. trying my best to tell a secret from a picture. without being to clear just yet. more abstract kind of drawing is what i can do...
pictures of masterpieces will be launched soon!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
i dont want to sound like im only after the money but of course im still depedent. thats why i decided to find work, i want to separate myself like a normal adult would do. be independent from his/her parents. its the facts of life. it doesnt have to be a full separation but just a mindset that they do not control me anymore. i can make my own decisions and i should suffer the consequences it comes with.
this is also the reason why i want to leave the country. in another country i can learn how to be alone. i can learn how to take care of myself without helpers to serve you food, to wash and your clothes, to clean your room and other stuff that even without a helper i can do. i can earn my own money.
yes! i can earn my own here as well but with the job offerings in my line of work, it wouldnt be enough for an apartment, a car, food and other needs for a month. that means i would live under the house of my father and that means i would have to abide by his rules still even if i dont ask for money anymore.
independence is what i want. privacy! thats a thing i dont have in this place. i want to experience it. i want to travel, i want to have fun. i want to enjoy the sufferings that can help me be the person i want to be... but if you ask me who this person is? i can't answer you.
my decisions are very impulsive. i dont even know if i want it. but i have to start somewhere right? i want to start here and step-by-step, one day at a time, i can be more independent than i was yesterday.
tomorrow, if i receive a call before lunchtime, im in! i can't seem to feel happy. if i do get in, i can't do what i usually do everyday. sleep late, stay home and care about the world. back to reality really bites. you can't do what you want because you work for someone and working for someone is the first thing i dont like. but i have to suck it in! i have to do it if i want to progress.
earlier, i had my interview with jerome, the recruitment guy. i wanted to look for an approval in his eyes but i can't. he was very distant and very proper. i wanted to see that i got in. i want the assurance of a job. but all he said was wait for a call that he's going to endorse me to the supervisor. he can't do anything for me. he's just the guy to interview people.
now i can't stop thinking about the call. when i was going home. i thought i was having an episode - an anxiety attack. i kept lighting up a stick after another and can't stop till i finished 10 sticks in an hour. i couldn't talk, i could not walk, i was just sitting by the bench beside my friend.
with that hour, i thought i was going to die. as if my mind and heart stopped functioning. i kept thinking that my life starting over again and i have to talk a long pause to really enjoy it. but the enjoyment got to me. i guess. it was a longer pause. an empty one. i didnt feel life.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
BEER / WINE
the language originated from the Latin langauge and is very similar to four other languages. So Ovid, the guy i met online started to send me a song. i really wanted to translate the thing but it took me a long time though so he told me what the song meant.
Se spune ca vremea e frumoasa atunci cand in suflet e soare
Se spune ca ploaia-i mai rece atunci cand in suflet te doare
Se spune ca vantul nu bate deloc cand iubesti
Dar frunzele toate se misca, sa stii ca-mi lipsesti (sa stii ca-mi lipsesti)
Refren:Te voi astepta
Toata vianta mea,
Doar iubïrea ta
Ma poate salva.
they say the weather is beautiful when your soul is filled with sunshine
they say the rain is colder when your soul hurts
they say the wind doesn t blow at all when you love
but all the leaves move,you should know that i miss you...
i will wait for you
all my life
only your love
can save me
his name is ovidiu alexandru craciun. he's 22, studying history and english in his senior year in a university in romania. single i might.
he told me to download skype so that we can talk. so i did. it didnt take a while and he added me up and we started talking for 15 minutes. his mom called him though to eat lunch so we said our goodbyes. after an hour, he's online again and right now we are still chatting...
how we wish we could meet. but he's about 8000 miles away. maybe when he visits the philippines or somewhere else...
if life is fair, this is how its suppose to be. you don't have to live the life they want but live a life you want. it doesnt have to be now but live it one day at a time. you can't get everything all at the same time. your 10 fingers can't handle them all at the same time. you have your own plan. sacrifices are needed but all the things you want for yourself shouldn't be taken.
they call it "compromise". i think. but this word is not known to everyone. as selfish as you are. everybody wants everything. but you cant have everything. like the wife of agamemnon, clytemnestra said, you can't everything you want. but if the gods will it, you will.
i have to start doing things for myself. i have to start somewhere right. if i dont, i will be left to rot. how? how? hope i figure it out soon!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
i first i waited for my parents to sleep and i snuck out of my house to party with some friends at their place. it was cool coz they have a big pool in their backyard. and i love pools...
my friend is a aspiring chef and is very good at it. he served us with great meals and of course when i want to take some pictures, i dont have my camera with me.(my brother borrowed it to upload something and didnt return the cam to me that night. the food was great.
for appetizers: Smoked gouda and prosciutto panini
for the main course: Portabella mushroom pasta in gorgonzola artichoke sauce
on the side of: apple something salad with lots of greens
and for dessert: is the most famous "chloe's banana cream pie and baked cheesecake topped with any fruits of your choice"
all this complimented with water instead of a nice bottle of Merlot or Pinot Noir
NO BOOZE? i also miss the fondue set chloe...
an evening of nothing to do, i went over again to a friends house. the usual drunkard that he was, got me really shocked when he served tea or coffee of your choice. you can choose from donuts to cereals to anything that is edible inside the house.
freddy? is that you? what happened? NO BOOZE?
am i missing something here? have i been sleeping for a 100 years that people stopped drinking too much alcohol?
tonight i went to my family friend's birthday bash. i was shocked we got there and not a single person is holding a bottle of beer (the obligatory drink of parties). people taking lots of pictures. chatting singing, playing with the "adorable" kid, and eating lots of good food.
NO BOOZE? shouldnt be a shocker coz her parents are very strict. we chowed down the food and ate away the bowl of pistachio that is sitting infront of me. we were all wishing that the water was gin and the coke had rhum, but it wasn't. IT WASN'T!
i dont know what happened to this world. but i want the old one back!!!
Friday, February 23, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
im not yet working. and i dont know if i want to. its still unclear. nobody can help me right now. i dont know if i already need a shrink to gather my thoughts and organize it like it was before.
i had nothing to do so when my mum told me to go to dress up and go to my brother's school, i did. but it took me almost three hours to get to the school and when i got there she was there already and she was thinking that i decided not to go and im still in bed.
the usual family day actuvity happened... my brother was wearing a pink shit where a hanging pink cartolina with a big colorful peace sign was on it. he was next to dance in the school grounds. i was getting my camera ready for the pictures i would be taking.
after watching them dance, my mum asked me to buy something to drink and to eat. because the program was over, there were a lot of people buying some food. and as time passes, the crowd's getting thinner because they're not interested in watching the volleyball game of the parents or even playing bingo afterwards.
the whole time i was thinking after eating, we would be going home already. but to my surprise. my other brother was in his other school having his own family day as well.
we had to go there and support him. with his cheer and games. it was a total meltdown. i didn't want to commute going home because it was too hot and because i thought there would be food there as well. i was disappointed and frustrated because not only was it hot in there, there were no good food or any cold cold drinks there.
my whole saturday became a family day.
something happened it was funniest thing. a teammate of my brother talked to me. it was so funny because he came up to me all shy and said hi. haha he was kinda hitting on me... dont tell my brother...
it was so weird and i think the word to describe it pedophilia. coz he was very cute. but he's 17. oh my god! i can't believe and find that kid (KID!!!!!) attractive. he's my type of guy. athletic, bald, tan and not that tall. he was having a hard time making me laugh and he just keeps on joking a lot.
tsk tsk tsk.
if only you were older...
Friday, February 16, 2007
|What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)|
You have sunrise eyes. Sunrise is the color of joy and elation. Your eyes symbolize your general sense of wellness. Your confidence and high self-esteem each and every day make you the person people want to be around. You are a very creative, passionate, and sexual person. You are not afraid to tell people what you think of them, whether good or bad. Some words to describe you: self-assuredness, out-going, busy, cheerful, bright, amiability, courage, successful, creative, personable, happiness, motivational, optimistic, strong, and aware.
|Take The Quiz Now!||Quizzes by myYearbook.com|
Thursday, February 15, 2007
im feeling empty. i don't want to feel like this forever. the drive that i once had isn't there when i needed it. i had a plan. it was all working out so perfectly but when people talk to me about it, i blank out. i stop. i think and i never do anything. study, put up my own business and become rich. travel and have fun. thats what's my life is all about. but now, that my life is about to start i can't seem to start the engine. i keep missing the keyhole of the ignition and drop the keys.
i have to get back on track. do i listen to what everybody says or just follow what my instincts tell me...?
calls are made and i can't even decide.
my brain is not working and can't process.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
having a date wouldn't be bad and this day must be everyday. i mean you don't have to be extra sweet because its valentines. be sweet to your loved ones because you want to. not jsut because there is an occassion. its so sad that we waste so much money on material things when you can just say what you feel. they're only words. what's the worst thing that could happen? words would eat you?
its hard to express what you feel. how about a kiss? a kiss always means something. a kiss of love, care and devotion! it would make everyone feel special and loved with just one kiss...
try it. valentines would definitely be overrated.
a few days and term is finally over... but it is still a few days. 3 months ago, my brother made sure i will be enrolled this term. he mad...
earlier today, my boss (a new one that i really love) called me up to his table to show me something. his blog has the feature of seeing the...
I keep thinking... why am I alone right this very minute? I'm not really a loner but it is always nice to find time alone with myself. B...