WARNING: ANXIETY KILLS
i dont want to sound like im only after the money but of course im still depedent. thats why i decided to find work, i want to separate myself like a normal adult would do. be independent from his/her parents. its the facts of life. it doesnt have to be a full separation but just a mindset that they do not control me anymore. i can make my own decisions and i should suffer the consequences it comes with.
this is also the reason why i want to leave the country. in another country i can learn how to be alone. i can learn how to take care of myself without helpers to serve you food, to wash and your clothes, to clean your room and other stuff that even without a helper i can do. i can earn my own money.
yes! i can earn my own here as well but with the job offerings in my line of work, it wouldnt be enough for an apartment, a car, food and other needs for a month. that means i would live under the house of my father and that means i would have to abide by his rules still even if i dont ask for money anymore.
independence is what i want. privacy! thats a thing i dont have in this place. i want to experience it. i want to travel, i want to have fun. i want to enjoy the sufferings that can help me be the person i want to be... but if you ask me who this person is? i can't answer you.
my decisions are very impulsive. i dont even know if i want it. but i have to start somewhere right? i want to start here and step-by-step, one day at a time, i can be more independent than i was yesterday.
tomorrow, if i receive a call before lunchtime, im in! i can't seem to feel happy. if i do get in, i can't do what i usually do everyday. sleep late, stay home and care about the world. back to reality really bites. you can't do what you want because you work for someone and working for someone is the first thing i dont like. but i have to suck it in! i have to do it if i want to progress.
earlier, i had my interview with jerome, the recruitment guy. i wanted to look for an approval in his eyes but i can't. he was very distant and very proper. i wanted to see that i got in. i want the assurance of a job. but all he said was wait for a call that he's going to endorse me to the supervisor. he can't do anything for me. he's just the guy to interview people.
now i can't stop thinking about the call. when i was going home. i thought i was having an episode - an anxiety attack. i kept lighting up a stick after another and can't stop till i finished 10 sticks in an hour. i couldn't talk, i could not walk, i was just sitting by the bench beside my friend.
with that hour, i thought i was going to die. as if my mind and heart stopped functioning. i kept thinking that my life starting over again and i have to talk a long pause to really enjoy it. but the enjoyment got to me. i guess. it was a longer pause. an empty one. i didnt feel life.