Tuesday, March 27, 2007


working during the day is normal. but the early dayshift is a bit different. even if you don't see it. you feel the sun above you and you can't think much because you feel its too early for information to stay inside your head.

its super frustrating that even if you really understand what the trainor is saying you can't seem to grasp what it is all about.

its all a big lump in my throat. i can't seem to swallow and digest everything. i need some kind of drink to push it down my body.


Monday, March 26, 2007

hours before the early shift

2 hours before i have to get up and take a shower.

3 hours before i have to leave for work.

4 hours before my early shift starts.

most of the time i get really excited, i would kid myself that i need to sleep early so i wouldn't be late for an engagement or plans i have. i end up thinking about it so much that i wouldn't be able to sleep and i would just stay up all night till i need to do that thing i was thinking about.

right now, its already 1am and i have to be up by 3 to prepare myself and food im gonna eat for work. and because im scared that i wont wake up, i just decide to myself i would not sleep. i actually can do a week without sleep. i just hope i can do it today. im posting this blog just to burn some hours off my surfing the net. coz if i finish doing the usual things, i would really get bored and i would definitely feel tired and would just sleep. i can't predict if the alarm clock of my phone would wake my exhaustion or i would need a hard tug and push to wake me up.

i can really do a week without sleep but if do sleep. i sleep like a baby. everyone can attest to this. i talk when i sleep. i dont feel a thing when im in deep sleep. sometimes though when i set my mind to waking up at a certain time, i would not need an alarm clock to wake me up. my body would just know the time. but sometimes because of a really good sleep, i would not hear the alarm clock even if it sounds for a whole 30 minutes. my ears wont just listen to any sound because my mind thinks i need more sleep.

being part of a family that likes to sleep, i would not be surprised. we all would just rest our heads on apillow and the body would do the trick. it is nap time. but there are times when even hours of lying bed wouldn't do. couting sheeps, drinking hot cocoa or milk, reading a boring book (which by the way i dont own a single boring book), watching tv, or listening to mellow music. all these just doesn't work for me.

Sunday, March 25, 2007


can you imagine life without ears? i can...

life would be very peaceful and less complicated. because you don't have ears to hear things and it would be a little cheaper for your expenses because you don't have to buy cotton buds because you dont have ears to clean.if you are fighting with someone, you won't be able to hear what he or she is saying.

you don't need to think about other people's businesses because you dont hear what they're saying. you won't hear any intrigues, gossips and rumors starting and be part of the problem because you dont have ears. sounds that make you sad would not be there because for you, there is really no sound at all.

hearing a lot is a big problem. sometimes you can't keep everything to yourself and things keep getting bigger and bigger that you can't handle it all with both hands. you just drop everything and breakdown. these are things you can't control. these are what they call the problems you can't run from.

facing it? it would be hard but it would be worth it if you do. you can't run to alcohol, drugs and sex just to forget. you have to face your fears and live your life.

alcohol would let you forget for a night.

drugs would give you more problems.

sex would give you pleasure and pain. but without much protection, you might get a lifetime problem after it.

without hearing, people will have to "listen" (look at other people signing) to other people intently. everyone would understand each other and everyone would live happily ever after. but not really. but you can see the difference when you look at a group full of people who can talk or chat with each other and a group of deaf-mutes.

its a life that we would never know.

Friday, March 23, 2007

before i forget!

a shout out to my new friend geek! you are a super duper mega friend! i owe you big time! love lots! *hugs&kisses*

Sunday, March 18, 2007

my dad called me a whore

i was told i shouldn't go out tonight. but i was already dressed and my mum insisted i go, so i did. i already fought with my dad over the phone about it. but because i still have respect for him, i would have stayed home if he says so.

i almost did. my mum got home and told me i can go, they're gonna drop me off and pick me up afterwards @ embassy.

it was a typical Lasalle party. IT SUCKED!

i was there, watched friends do a fashion show, listened to lame hosts talk about school and drink a lame vodka-sprite. for P200, it was all not worth it. i was with my friends, yes. i watched some guys strut their stuff, yes. I get to hang out one last time before i go to work, yes. i felt really happy about it, yes.

i didnt have money. i didnt have my own ride. i didnt have a date. WAH!!!

my friends couldn't get in because the bar was already full. i had to leave with them. we left fort and went to greenbelt where i thought i could have a nice long chat with friends and just chill. because i don't have money. we can't go inside absinth. we tried waiting for seats in crocs but there were to many people. until we found coupons from redbox that entitles us for a room and food. it was all so good until my family called me up and told me they were on their way to pick me up.

i wanted to go too. but i haven't even sang a song or even talked to my friends. i didn't even see anyone worth pursuing. ;) it was christmas chrissie kringle all over again.. i left my friends with kisses and a bill of my drink.

i got in the car and they were all quiet. my dad smelled the perfume i sprayed all over my body so he wouldn't smell the smoke and the alcohol i consumed tonight. i didnt like the smell of this perfume as well but it really hides any of my bad habits.

my dad opened all the windows until we got to our house. he was so pissed at me he called me a whore. he used the word puta which in Spanish means whore. i wasn't shocked. i had too much makeup, my top was off my shoulder already and when i got in the car my perfume was really awful and strong.

I wasn't really feeling any tear from my eyes. i was waiting for it. everytime i get to dissappoint my dad, i wold really feel sadness that i have made him angry or frustrated. but that was a long time ago. as i gotten older, i feel he is being a pain in the ass. he is treating me like a child that i feel choked aready from everything.

i felt anger and the heat inside my body is really rising. i was thinking of his fucking mistakes. did i ever do the right thing of not telling. i still feel i should but i couldn't. if only i was a bad daughter, i would've done it a million years ago. but i wasn't.

i may be a whore but i don't do anything to hurt other people. i am a good person. not like you!

Friday, March 16, 2007

i am hooked and i dont know if red is the color

ANNOUNCEMENT: I would start working March 19, 2007.

they were really good. they made me stay almost the whole day in their office and when the day ended, they offered me a job already. they gave me a day to think about it because i was still hesitant. the company doesn't want me to apply to other companies thats why. they are assured with this process that they wouldn't be compared to any other company, especially their rivals.

i signed with with them the following day. they fooled me. now that i have work, im thinking of ways i would be able to go there and go back home. bringing my own car would be very expensive. taking a cab would be too. commute is the only way.

welcome to the real world baby!

Thursday, March 08, 2007





EXPOSED by: kp


have you ever felt that when you have a lot going on with you, you just keep silent and let it all happen without doing anything or reacting to it. im not really making much sense.

people are trying to push me but im not saying anything. i just dont want to make a big deal out of it. but trying to ignore everything is quite getting in me. everything keeps piling up on me that i can't balance myself already. i've been crying everynight. literally. i can't stop tearing up like what i am doing now.

i want a way to get this all out. at first i started writing. i picked up a pen and my journal but i can't seem to write the feeling away. i went out with my friends so i can drink the pain away but the hangover made me more fucked up. i tried everything i can till.............

my brother came to me asking for help with his project. i didnt like art. because im not good in drawing or even coloring for that matter. i remember when i was a kid, i would one of those coloring books but end up messing them up because im not really into it. i was just doing what other kids are doing those times.

back to my brother, he has all kinds of art materials. i got the oil pastel a clear paper and started drawing. trying my best to tell a secret from a picture. without being to clear just yet. more abstract kind of drawing is what i can do...

pictures of masterpieces will be launched soon!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


i want to leave my house. leave and go as far away as possible. run as fast as i can to get to he otherside of this world so i can start a new. i always have to have my parents approval because i still ask money from them.

i dont want to sound like im only after the money but of course im still depedent. thats why i decided to find work, i want to separate myself like a normal adult would do. be independent from his/her parents. its the facts of life. it doesnt have to be a full separation but just a mindset that they do not control me anymore. i can make my own decisions and i should suffer the consequences it comes with.

this is also the reason why i want to leave the country. in another country i can learn how to be alone. i can learn how to take care of myself without helpers to serve you food, to wash and your clothes, to clean your room and other stuff that even without a helper i can do. i can earn my own money.

yes! i can earn my own here as well but with the job offerings in my line of work, it wouldnt be enough for an apartment, a car, food and other needs for a month. that means i would live under the house of my father and that means i would have to abide by his rules still even if i dont ask for money anymore.

independence is what i want. privacy! thats a thing i dont have in this place. i want to experience it. i want to travel, i want to have fun. i want to enjoy the sufferings that can help me be the person i want to be... but if you ask me who this person is? i can't answer you.

my decisions are very impulsive. i dont even know if i want it. but i have to start somewhere right? i want to start here and step-by-step, one day at a time, i can be more independent than i was yesterday.

tomorrow, if i receive a call before lunchtime, im in! i can't seem to feel happy. if i do get in, i can't do what i usually do everyday. sleep late, stay home and care about the world. back to reality really bites. you can't do what you want because you work for someone and working for someone is the first thing i dont like. but i have to suck it in! i have to do it if i want to progress.

earlier, i had my interview with jerome, the recruitment guy. i wanted to look for an approval in his eyes but i can't. he was very distant and very proper. i wanted to see that i got in. i want the assurance of a job. but all he said was wait for a call that he's going to endorse me to the supervisor. he can't do anything for me. he's just the guy to interview people.

now i can't stop thinking about the call. when i was going home. i thought i was having an episode - an anxiety attack. i kept lighting up a stick after another and can't stop till i finished 10 sticks in an hour. i couldn't talk, i could not walk, i was just sitting by the bench beside my friend.

with that hour, i thought i was going to die. as if my mind and heart stopped functioning. i kept thinking that my life starting over again and i have to talk a long pause to really enjoy it. but the enjoyment got to me. i guess. it was a longer pause. an empty one. i didnt feel life.

getting out of my chest

there was this feeling i can't get out. it was this air i keep feeling inside my chest. i wanted to burp it out but i can't. its the reason for my hangover the whole day. no water can take it out. its been clogging me all day. until i woke in my nap, and burped the saving burp of the century... hangover all gone...

Thursday, March 01, 2007

lets learn something new

i've been kinda interested in the romanian culture as it really is interesting. the people there have invented a lot of stuff that we are using now.





the language originated from the Latin langauge and is very similar to four other languages. So Ovid, the guy i met online started to send me a song. i really wanted to translate the thing but it took me a long time though so he told me what the song meant.

Se spune ca vremea e frumoasa atunci cand in suflet e soare
Se spune ca ploaia-i mai rece atunci cand in suflet te doare
Se spune ca vantul nu bate deloc cand iubesti
Dar frunzele toate se misca, sa stii ca-mi lipsesti (sa stii ca-mi lipsesti)

Refren:Te voi astepta
Toata vianta mea,
Doar iubïrea ta
Ma poate salva.

they say the weather is beautiful when your soul is filled with sunshine
they say the rain is colder when your soul hurts
they say the wind doesn t blow at all when you love
but all the leaves move,you should know that i miss you...

i will wait for you
all my life
only your love
can save me

around the world in one night

can you imagine that you can see the world in one night?


the internet is really great. you can see things fro around the world and learn things from it. you can even talk to people from other parts of this world we live in.

for example i have met this guy. he's from romania. we started sending messages for about 3 hours from this site and ended up asking for each others yahoo messenger. and for more than 12 hours now we've been chatting and we got a chance to talk to each other because of the internet. this is so amazing.

and he is so damn cute! he looks like andy roddick!

his name is ovidiu alexandru craciun. he's 22, studying history and english in his senior year in a university in romania. single i might.

he told me to download skype so that we can talk. so i did. it didnt take a while and he added me up and we started talking for 15 minutes. his mom called him though to eat lunch so we said our goodbyes. after an hour, he's online again and right now we are still chatting...

how we wish we could meet. but he's about 8000 miles away. maybe when he visits the philippines or somewhere else...


you keep denying things you feel and show anger when you really are jealous. people you know have their lives figured out but you get to stay at home and watch. if you can't figure out what you want in life, you can't pull those people down until you get get yourself together.

if life is fair, this is how its suppose to be. you don't have to live the life they want but live a life you want. it doesnt have to be now but live it one day at a time. you can't get everything all at the same time. your 10 fingers can't handle them all at the same time. you have your own plan. sacrifices are needed but all the things you want for yourself shouldn't be taken.

they call it "compromise". i think. but this word is not known to everyone. as selfish as you are. everybody wants everything. but you cant have everything. like the wife of agamemnon, clytemnestra said, you can't everything you want. but if the gods will it, you will.

i have to start doing things for myself. i have to start somewhere right. if i dont, i will be left to rot. how? how? hope i figure it out soon!

Almost over but still have to cross the finish line

a few days and term is finally over... but it is still a few days. 3 months ago, my brother made sure i will be enrolled this term. he mad...