Friday, June 09, 2006

i haven't really gotten to finish the story

so after the long argument. with no arguments really happening. he gets me to write a contract/letter/promissory note or whatever you would want to call it of things i should do and should not do until i graduate from college. and it goes a little something like this

MAY 22, 2006



katrina pastor

so i signed it like going into a contract with a client or something and it is now hanged to their wall and awaits to be framed and hanged in my room. i know its a little dramatic but my dad just had a little attack. no biggie. but i really felt so sad that he just can't trust me anymore. he was asking lots of questions that i couldn't answer but when he asks me stuff that are technical, i would answer him in a very detailed manner and after a long explanation, he would tell my mum that he doesn't believe a word i said and wants my mum to clarify all of it by going with me to school and asking whoever about why in my assessment form its not indicated that i'm graduating and why there is a surcharge when they could have allowed me to pay earlier. i was all complicated and interconnected. i think when i was talking he was hearing what im saying but not really listening to every word that comes in my mouth.

he thinks im a liar.

can you believe it? i've been honest enough to tell him that i have failed a class and because i failed the exam. and after telling him, he tells me he doesn't believe a word i say. how ridiculous? when can i ever tell him something that he would just believe me?

i use to think that i could get closer to him and would tell him everything. try to catch up with life. it sounds so not me but i guess i really wanted to change. i wanted to tell him that i'm having a hard time in college and he should that its normal for this kind of feeling and event to happen.

as i said im not proud but i just want to make a point that its normal for a college student to fail a class. and im going to say it again. i am not proud

so every night even if im not that tired i would go to bed at 1030pm and would pretend that i'm sleeping when im not and just lie there thinking about all this. i can't really get it out of my head coz every night i would have to do my obligations.

but the thing that's bothering me most. is that after that day, we were okay and he bought stuff already like nothing has happened. everything that he is making me do is actually beneficial but can't do it everynight during this term that i'm graduating and assessing practicum and trying to pass the goddamn term to finish and graduate this october of 2006.

that night i was talking to my bestfriend, zaza. she was telling that i could survive the term. i always do. i was just unlucky last term and little slacking at some point but she knows me too well that this will all come together and i don't have to be angry or upset with my dad. issues have risen back and i was telling zaza over the net that i've been feeling bad again about it. she was saying i should confront people about it and just find some answers to my questions.

funny coz i was chatting with my cousin about it and to zaza and i was crying. my eyes were just like the faucet just turned on and flowing with every drop of tear my body can produce. i was so depressed that even the next day, my eyes were just swollen. my friends noticed how tired my eyes were and was consoling me when i was like cheering them up. until the next day my eyes were still swollen coz thats the night when i was talking to my cousins and just pouring out there.

i dont want to do it again. but everytime i think about what happened it keeps me down. things pop in my head that i don' really want to think about. my heart just literally beats faster normal and i would feel tears bursting to come out of my eyes and i would stop it.

i want to stop it. i can't do it on my own but i have to. anyone can listen to my bullshit but im the only person who can help myself to carryon and i hate it.

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