Tuesday, May 02, 2006

the summer i never expected

everything was really planned. the thing i don't usually do (the planning in advance). but it was too good to be true. all was down the drain when i finally got my coursecard for this class (law on sales).

the whole time it was very easy for me coz the class was kinda using common sense. i was slacking at some point but i wasn't that bad. i failed. the one class i gave effort this term. the only law class i ever gave effort to even study. and i failed.

let's go back to the past.

april 5, 2006
it was the first and last day of my examination. i have to tests for that day. the first one was finish for an hour by 1130am and i have 6 hours and a half to study for that class (which i failed together with everyone who took that fucking test).

i read the book from front to back and i definitely knew i was going to pass the test until 6pm came. the day before this day i didn't go anywhere. stayed home (literally locked myself inside my room) and studied the book(and notes i have from the class) the whole day.

the test was fucking hard. everyone says so. even if i didn't study i would know those things i had the chance to answer. but i did study, and there is no difference.

april 10, 2006 - JUDGMENT DAY!!!
i went to school to pass a research paper and had to wait for 2 hours for the coursecard distribution. i wasn't really expecting to pass. but maybe i can persuade the prof to adjust my grade. i was really very participative in the class. everyone knows so.. they remembered my name even if they don't know me coz of me reciting often.

i failed the class. together with almost half of my class and other students from the other classes failed. basically nobody got a high grade in teh exam. it was as hard as my head. i couldn't really cry coz i know its my fault why i failed. but i can't help that i failed for the very first time in my life. but still i didn't cry. there was this choking feeling in me that is just stopping me to feel sad but giving way for anger.

i actually smiled to the professor when i got the card. i don't really know how to react because i never have had the prior experience of failing anything. not that i'm bragging to anyone but evrybody can relate t me when i say "first time".

i SMSed my closest friends and told them immediately. i couldn't face the fact so i just laughed it out. i was talking to my dad right after and i couldn't bare to tell him the truth. i wanted to so we could be open but i don't like to disappoint him. we've been a bragging bitches about graduating this year and i have failed him. i'm very sorry.

i was thinking of telling that i night i met with him but in the middle of our conversation, there was something that came up that hindered me from telling him about it. so i waited.

i never found the right time to tell him. until he asked me for my grades. i couldn't lie. something i've been doing quite often when it comes to school. i can't blame him to be angry. But I can’t blame myself to not really feel anything because I’ve been dragged from my bed to be scolded. I’m half asleep and being scolded. But I was still crying. I wanted to tell him I wanted to take the class during the summer but I was really thinking of what he’s gonna say.

I was so confused I just stared to thin air. Not really listening to him scolding me for what seemed like a long time but was just about 10 minutes while he was dressing up. I was just there. Thinking of what he might make me do or not do.

What is now?
First thing was the band. Mozzie is history for me until I graduate. I knew all my gigs are cancelled. My life is over. I can’t go out at nights so I’m back to sneaking out during the morning and come back drunk as hell after 3 hours of drinking my soul out. No more nightlife for me. All my friends are gona get pissed at me.

I’m gonna be stuck with my whole pretending-to-be-perfect-but-really-shattered-disengaged-family. And I really am. The whole day I’m fucking talking to my mum, my brother, my grandma or my dad. I wanted to talk to the maids but didn’t really see anything interesting to talk about.

I’m stuck with piles of books and DVDs that I have bought and have been intellectually drowning myself... making my brain and eyes bleed to death.

My supposedly-last-perfect-but-cancelled-summer is ruined. I am. And I don’t know what to do about it.

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