Thursday, May 18, 2006

keeps me thinking

i've been bumming at home for quite some time now. i never seem to think of anything except sleep and eat.

my last term in school and i haven't enrolled. what ifs came rushing in to me. what if i made my dad so mad that he wont let me enroll this time. what if i dont get the class i needed? what if i would fail a class this term? what if i left home? what if i have studied better? what if i didn't watch a movie with a friend of mine than attending a class for a change?

all these questions came to me and i couldn't find any answers. the "i told you so" line isn't enough. i need support. i've been keeping the frightened me indoors since i got that stupid report card last month.

i'm scared. i never worked out a plan that would talk about my future. i'm still young but i know i'm not that young to not think about what should be ahead of me. in less than 4 months i would hopefully finish school. i really dont know what i want to be.

i can't even picture myself during that time.

why does it have to be this hard? sometimes there are people that know already what they want and need when they grow up. for me its very complicated. did i skip a step while growing up? or was i sleeping during the lecture about the planning ahead of the future.

i keep hearing the topic but never really know what or how the step-by-step procedure works. that you can't find the right answers to the questions you have listed down while you were walking down the road.

they say its life. i say its me. its always different with every different person - life. you can't just plan and think that everything will work out the way you want it to work. its not the way the cookie crumbles.

i've been thinking a lot lately. my mum and dad always push me around. telling me what to do. and i really hate them for it. i can't blame them. they're parents and thats they usually and should always do to their kids. but i think pushing me around is not that bad. when my papa preaches i listen. i know he's right and i'm fed up with everything he says but he is really true. those things he tells me are things i should really think about coz i need someone to guide me in things i don't know.

im young and naive. and i'm scared of life. i just feel great pressure that brings me down. and i can't help but just think. think and no more act.

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